If I was on the biggest loser I would have been sent home this week. Not because I’ve put on weight but because I’m sure there must be something in the rule book about not eating anything I’ve eaten this weekend. Like the fish ‘n’ chips on Friday night (a 40 minute wait Daniel), the tim tam ice-creams last night and oh the pizza and a whole lot of chocolate today. I mean the man ate 9 out of his 12 malteser eggs so I thought it was only fair to eat my whole big cadbury egg. Otherwise once he has finished his tomorrow I might start to find mine disappearing.
We didn’t realise shops aren’t open on easter sunday, because I could remember working at coles on easter sunday…probably at least 5 years ago now. We strolled over to coles to do our big weekly shop only to find it well and truly..closed. Undeterred we ambled over to safeway, which was also closed. There were about 10 people outside equally as confused. One of them was obviously more concerned about the liquor part being shut. I mean, you didn’t see anyone else shouting and shaking the doors. That or he has some seriously unhappy easter-eggless kids at home.
Baffled but still optimistic we walked home and drove to Newmarket safeway. Also closed.
Perturbed now the man mentioned he knew of an aldi nearby, so we headed up there (driving past a eerily empty highpoint) only to discover…that it was also closed. Despondent – and now hungry I remembered there was a small independent supermarket in Moonee Ponds. As we pulled up – excited by the ‘open’ sign and door, a small man (well he was!) ran out, grabbed the sign, ran back in, and shut the door.
With heavy hearts we drove home and peered nervously into the pantry, fridge and freezer. Sunday is our day of shopping and although we had a lot of meat left over from the markets last week we only had some cauliflower and a lettuce that was about to go back to the big vegetable garden in the sky. The man decided that we were going to die and he would have to start eating his easter eggs now in case he did die and I might eat them. He also decided as he had no cordial or softdrink he’d have to drink a Johnny Walker. You can tell he’s a country boy because obviously just having a glass of water would be sacrilege. The fact cordial is made with water…I’m not sure about.
We sat despondently on the couch, me amusing myself by eating a quarter of a rockmelon and some yogurt (I didn’t say I wanted to eat healthy food). Then I remembered, we had mince. We had pastry. We had gravox. We have a pie maker. It didn’t take much convincing before the man was cooking up some mince and I was having fun cutting out the wrong size pastry.
Several wonky looking pies later we were satisfied. Hunger abated the man turned to star wars battlefront two for entertainment and I had Es over. After converting another Black Books cynic and eating a small amount of junk food she left and I contemplated finishing some job applications.
After several hours I think I’d written a sentence about being about to quickly acquire something and we were hungry again. The pizza place around the corner was shut but we found one open in ascot vale so ‘journeyed’ there for nourishment. I only managed three slices of pizza because there was so much chilli in it, it was almost inedible. Cleared out the nostrils though.
Lucky I still had room after the flames from my mouth were extinguished and I finished off the day by eating my whole chocolate egg. It wasn’t a small egg either! We ended up having that pussy cat dolls show on while I was stuffing my face and I wondered if they ever get to eat like this what with having their stomachs on show all the time. I guess not.
Right, well very sleepy now and full of chocolate so I’m off to bed.
Also, so far I’ve got one this week in the footy tipping. Doomed I tell you, doomed.