Sometimes I know where I am, and what I’m doing and what things might become..

“But that always seems such a fleeting state,
For the remainder of the time I feel that I am a babe in the woods, howling for deliverance”.

On Tuesday I turned 25 years old. I would have to say that this past year has probably been the biggest for me so far. I have learnt so much about myself, what I’m good at, what I’m not, what I can handle and what I can’t. I’m accepting the things I can’t change about myself and know that they’re a part of who I am and now I can see the good in that. Some things I’ve been able to work on changing and this has been good too. 

I’ve also become more patient, and am gradually growing out of the need to have something fixed or done immediately. For some things there is just no easy fix and time is the only cure. Along with this I’m developing foresight about things, and I’m able to take a deep breath and think, is this going to be a problem in x hours, x days, does it really matter, am I the only person this has happened to ever? No – then don’t worry about it, don’t make it a priority etc.

Other times I throw all of that out the window and just react instantly anyway. But I’m working on it. I think Mum said it best this year that I’m like her where we just show our emotion. Her theory is that its good for our health – we both have low blood pressure which is especially surprising for Mum in her job. Mum’s mum (my Nan) on the other hand is the exact opposite, tough as. Sometimes I wish I could be like that, but this falls fairly into the ‘accepting the things I can’t change’. I’m working on being tough where it really counts though. Besides, the world needs both kinds of people!

What else am I working on? Probably becoming less self-absorbed. Whether its a figment of my imagination or not, in the past two years I  had a sudden panic that I don’t take enough interest in other people. Now in conversation I actively try and ask other people more questions. If I walk past someone at work and they say “how’re you going Jen’? I will ask them as well, even if means stopping and having a chat. This goes for friends and family too though. There are four people, coincidentally my bridesmaids, that I felt I have been a bad friend to. 

But I’ve been working on that and am starting to feel a bit better. It’s some kind of confidence thing where I always wait for people to ring me rather than calling them. Weird I know, but I always feel like I’d be interrupting them or something like that.  Turns out – unsurprisingly.. that this is just not the case.

I’m allowed to be self-absorbed when I’m blogging. That’s what I blog for.

Lastly, the man. Again as I think Mum said I’m so lucky to have the man who knows me so well, who knows in 9/10 situations how I will react to anything. I still feel like throwing up when I think about getting married, but now I feel really excited about it too. The throwing up part is just nerves. I think when I get more stuff done, they will calm down a bit. I might leave putting my wedding dress on until we are about to jump in the car on the way to the Church. I would not be surprised if I am actually sick on day. Anyway the man I love you, and I know just how lucky I am to have you. 

Thats about it, roll on being 25!

– Jen